“Every single child has an inner spark–a combination of a unique temperament and various experiences–and we want to fan that flame to help kids become happy, healthy, and internally driven to be the ‘best them’ they can become.” – Dr Tina Payne Bryson and Dr Daniel SiegelThe Yes Brain Child
Children can often act out or shut down when faced with a setback or a tricky issue like homework, food or screen time. Our guest calls the ‘No Brain’ response. But you can help develop the ability to cope, solve their own problems and thrive by nurturing the ‘Yes Brain’.
Drawing on her successful work with thousands of parents and children from all backgrounds, our guest provides the advice, tools and activities to help parents and children of all ages.
This is what the ‘Yes Brain’ approach looks like in action:
*A 5-year-old boy thinks about his first day at school and says, ‘I’m nervous but I’ll give it a try.’
*An 8-year-old girl says, ‘I’d like to join the football team, even though none of my friends like football.’
*A 14-year-old boy looks at a test he’s earned a D- for and says, ‘That’s not the mark I wanted but it’s not the end of the world. I’ll ask the teacher how I can improve.’
I would like to add to all that a Yes Brain is what we need in business environments today. A mind open to possibility and with the ability to control emotion and recognise when fear is a blocker. So please do listen to this show as a parent, a corporate innovator, change-maker or out of pure curiosity.
We welcome the author of “The Yes Brain Child: Help Your Child be More Resilient, Independent and Creative”, Dr Tina Payne Bryson
- Yes and No brains
- The Prefrontal Cortex
- Social and Emotional Intelligence
- Response Techniques
- Attuned Communication
- Self Regulation
- Overcoming Fear
- Building Resilience
- Intuition and Morality
- Tolerating Discomfort
- Discipline as Education
More about Tina here:
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[0:14]“Every single child has an inner spark–a combination of a unique temperament and various experiences–and we want to fan that flame to help kids become happy, healthy, and internally driven to be the ‘best them’ they can become.” – Dr Tina Payne Bryson and Dr Daniel Siegel
[0:30] Children turn off the stairs were shipped and when faced with self back a tricky issue like homework food or screen time.
I guess cause this that brian response we can help children develop the ability to cope solve the problems and trials by entering the us pray.
Trying successful work with sizes of parents and children from all backgrounds our guest provides the advice.
Tools and activities to help parents and children
of all ages this is what the aspirin approach looks like an action figure out boy thinks about his first day at school and says i’m nervous but i’ll give it a try.
In a year old girl says i’d like to join the football team even though my friends like football.
A fourteen year old boy who looks at the lizard princess that’s not the mark i wanted but its not the end of the world just teacher how can i improve.
[1:23] I would like to add to all this is prince what we need and business environments today,
mind open to possibilities with the ability to control emotion unrecognized is a blocker.
So please do listen to the show as a parent record for the innovator change maker of curiosity we welcome all of the yes praying shells
help a child be more resilient independence and creative.
I meant emanuel the best selling titles and the new one on the way dr tina payne bryson welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for having me this is not just applicable the parenting i’m so glad you said that because it really has to do with any relationship really any environmental system and its really about how we manage our own
emotionally activity and how we help others deal with it as well.
Uterus three aspirin this created by neural activity that involves the pre frontal cortex and we can learn to increase the access and pay attention to the functions of this part of the brain can we start by exploring this rich and brandon why we can develop
what you just said there was a really important in that is that it is and i know brian they really are no logical states so it’s really states that happening in our brains and our bodies and then over time.
[2:39] Which type of state where no more big aspirin and straight to the more time in the states it becomes not just in a logical state becomes kind of heart rate or who we become so how we cultivate
is brian gonna be stuck and i know brian that really does become our mindset and who we become so.
The best part about we’re gonna talk about about the rental car tax is that it is change of all.
Well into adulthood so all the best regardless of are age
have the power and possibility to cultivate mirabelle yes brain
by building our middle frontal cortex and so this middlefield court text which is the front most part of our frontal open of you started imagine it’s back behind your eyebrows on the orcas of your eyes its the very last part of the branch develop.
That last well into their mid to late twenties but what’s great about it is because the last part of the branch develop an episode of the structures of the brain
it’s also very plastic and so we can continue to change it so that the life so what this part of the brandeis is really kind of the seat of social and emotional intelligence exam academic or business six s,
and mental health so here are some features of that part of the branch outlets control our emotions or regulator emotions that leads to regulate our bodies.
[4:03] It’s give this response flexibility is this could be like a situation comes up and you are able to sort of.
[4:11] Think about the options what are the
consequences and rewards of each of those choices are passing and really be flexible to shift gears among those different options so that’s a really important lunch it allows us to tune into other people’s minds through empathy but also providing a two nd communication
personal insight happens um it’s where we can tolerate frustration or big emotions which is part of self regulation but it also the part of the brain that allows us to.
Overcome fear and so we add in these things and then on top of it intuition morales r. part of that.
That’s center of the branch so when the whole brain is working together i’m and and i talk about this as integration where the different parts of the brain
i think she linked together this is what can lead to a us print and this yes rain is an open receptive.
[5:10] Our state of being that is able to do all the things i just listed.
[5:15] I don’t know what happened is we actually move into a state of dis integration and.
[5:21] Are middlefield court ordered goes offline and we start operating more from our are so critical
lower the court structures and we act without thinking and what happens in the snow rain state win or not accessing this preferential car tax it’s become rigid would become chaotic emotionally.
[5:41] We are defensive were afraid we live in fear.
We can be aggressive and attacking so it’s really a place where we can get stock where
we’re not our best selves and we can do and say things that are destructive to others than to ourselves it’s really not the RN optical state it’s also a state the state that over time if its repeated and prolong scan
turn into a mental health challenge just like depression anxiety and even difficult relationships
and i told about this no brain stage from a corporate transformation innovation perspective because
it’s almost like the corporation or the organization is a body of people and those people rain not know brian stage i’m in the state they go on the defense and do what
holds innovation and change all this time they push back a new knowledge of light off in port for mother is talking or texting are the two ways u say
no great deals with the world i think this is really important.
Yeah and that regina t you know that so yeah we think about virginity in being stuck as a no brand state the basis of that is fear and a lack of creativity and what is leeds to our.
[6:54] States where we can be more creative and we can tolerate the discomfort of stepping outside of what we know so we are talking about innovation.
Um it’s a lot of changes taking a leave it’s taking a risk and teller rating rest control rating some discomfort and teller rating criticism lot of times beautiful in this gasp state.
[7:16] We can we can tolerate that without.
You know falling apart emotionally that we can also see more clearly we have a much bigger perspective you know so i think someone that i don’t think about no brain it’s like a kid who is really anxious orders
fearful about something and it’s like the only see a tree and i think about the penis being like i can’t see the forest right so i might have a tree over that kind of afraid but i got a whole forrester i can’t like that
so it’s not about running away from fear or feelings or anything like that its really about having being in a state that can transcend not tolerate that.
I’d love to try to show tick tack between parenthood corporate change innovation and change in general stress this thing it’s important to remember this is a mainly only price of typical development appropriate for children because
we can expect too much from children’s weekend and when did we think about this
no biological perspective is that middle bit rental car texas still really under developed in childhood and adolescence and so they wont consistently BNA aspirin state
is much is an adult will be typically because there are more vulnerable to having those instructions the brand hijack that
french silk or text and when i talk about the sister of flipping or lead you to the soul hand model you know that’s what shows are the different parts of the brain are we talk about how when you ocean runs really big are you get your things are happening really intense episode of.
[8:44] What’s your latest lose access to wit that preference record text and i think what happens over time is as a child develops their window of tolerance expands and their skills to deal with.
Adversity and difficulty build and grow so they
move more and more into yes i think even our insurance rn yes it’s not that there will always be an
nope that’s you know what an instant is happy and content in there looking around the room and they’re open to learning in those moments those are you guys’ spring states and when they’re hungry or or hot or are you not feeling well.
They cry and that sorta becomes your overwhelmed rest of this doesn’t feel good that’s more but nope state and so.
When we see a child being curious or creative or handling themselves well you know when there playing with it with a friend or sibling and their sharing their being cooperative those were guess brand states
what’s so important to us as employees or parents or whoever were starting bleeding you think about this is leadership.
Is that the experiences we provide.
[9:54] Don’t just influence the minds are characters of others experiences we provide actually activate.
[10:03] Brain activity and so that kinda expensive provided in where we orient someone’s attention to repeatedly.
Make a fire and wire so we,
keep offsprings in the kinds of experiences we had so.
We absolutely can have an influence on children especially.
And how we help cultivate that yes praying we can help them.
Have more yes prince states and build skills so that they can stay in that yes state so that it becomes more of a trait and who they become.
You tell us to consider how many other chance waking hours are spent in bryan working open activities i’m not become more important in this world in particular.
We strive to offer them is prayer instructions whenever we possibly can because we are the ones that will show them
where activate in the mirror neurons absolutely leading the way that brings up a bitch question one
came out and and never speaking to parents with me to really cleared this book is not about telling your kids yes all the time this is not a promise of parenting but what’s important about this is.
[11:11] Children learn best through what they say and what they do so your hands on activities where they are moving their bodies and they’re trying things out of the heavy stuff trial and error moments of learning they learn best from trying things themselves,
and from what they deserve and how we parent how we handle ourselves in the world including how are interacting in a relationship with their child.
That’s it’s not just modeling as you mentioned there’s mirror neurons and there’s all these things that actually captivate the attention that make their brand as well so if we want our employees are our children are
are spouses to be done yes praying states more
then that means you need to be answered and i really talked alot about this pen idea about how.
We can’t think about not just our children’s yes or no rain but think about am i being a yes grandparents right now or my being in no brand parents right now right and so i can handle discipline moment,
no way that’s a yes or no bro so.
And it doesn’t matter if i’m saying the word yes or no i can say the word yes and a really no brand what i can say yes fine just go ahead and do it your driving me crazy
right so that would not be as grandparents day even though i’m saying the word yes it really has more to do with.
[12:29] Are we staying in those moments open receptive learning creative flexible and password using your site
regulating your emotions are we doing those things and as parents we’re gonna mess up all the time we’re gonna do you know grandparents its part of who we are as humans.
Ricky is a if we had those kind of rock with our kids that we repair the we say
gosh i really got mad earlier and i don’t like the way i handled that i wish i had that earlier i’m sorry that’s not bad you from.
[13:03] So i think it other ways you can make repairs we don’t have to be aspirin states all the time if we use our know brand mistake moments,
as learning opportunities and times to reconnect with our children are anyone else those can be really powerful and meaningful as well
i mention i read this book cover my order which is great because i was very much in the parenting moment but i was reading it through the lens of innovation i think you’re working dylan’s work your
how many months of insurance and the future because these children become leaders of tomorrow and then we yes brian will make innovation happening better with my change better happening hopefully more universal approach to life
i’m sorry it’s so important to get that message at because,
this can be load by the way to go look i can use this framework also interacted that is and see consistent but also i can no prob.
Volume mute myself
what just as we can facilitate new wiring the option is also true meaning of life certain parts of children’s development parts of the brain can be proven and they can be under developed and even weather and i think that’s important to say as well.
[14:12] Yeah it’s just like the kinds of experiences our children have filled their brain
the experiences that don’t have build their brand as well right and change that brand so its really important if you think about how much power we have in the idea that we’re attention goes in and where they fire they why ur so what were giving attention to how our children are spending their time.
Really does and blue and white get strengthened and building the brand and then what’s not being used
yeah there’s no way and so did i think about this a lot when were talking about the heavy use of screens and our families not just a bunch children bedding from parents to.
And our children are spending hours and hours on screen.
[14:59] It’s not just with are being exposed too me that my be let’s say it’s even really enrich learning the third during those hours and hours on the screen.
What that means is everything we say yes go is a note to something else try it so that means that they’re not having
those hours are being spent doing something else like free and structure play outside or like interacting with peers or.
You know something like that you can say the same for something that maybe people might not even chill so negatively about likes trains but even structured activities you know now
[15:32] We signed our children up for a lot of enrichment types of things so um what we know is that compared to fifteen years ago our children spend ten hours less a week.
Just having free instruction play in their back yards in neighborhoods and something that’s been replaced by screens some of its been replaced by.
A lot of additional academic intensity.
And then so that’s been replaced by things that we think that’s good for kids like i’m athletic sort of music lessons order,
you know i’m gonna make the joke that my parents are like oh mindfulness is good for my kids grandmother systrom oh that’s send my kids out for all kinds of mindfulness classes and it’s gonna be competitive like my kids more mind holding yourself who’s gonna directly um.
But i think we just what this means is that we need to be released for about.
[16:25] Can we talk about the sport killers of the gas brand balance resilience inside and empathy and a part of balance is not just emotional regulation but it’s also thinking about a balance life.
Are our children having hours and are we having ours um one time dedicated to connecting with others or is much smaller doing really isolating and we know that our connections with others is one of the biggest,
parts of happiness and meaning in our lives in the dark getting enough sleep
most kids are pretty sleep deprived and i can actually lead to more nope states so we really have to be thankful because what were not focusing on what we’re not spending time doing it is also impacting the brain
he and i think its important you mention to free play because i see this is a mirror of organisation as well where it’s all available time at century pressure on people and you call it this is very important to understand
free play is not the same instructions play in sports life
yeah it’s not it’s not the same at all and i think there is value in benefit that comes from structure things like i think sports are phenomenal all three of my boys have played.
[17:35] Team sports and i think that wonderful thing to teach kids so many good things and i think they’re really connecting for communities can i filter your relationship sitting in the stands at baseball games and umm but it’s not the same
does construction play i think whats interesting is you know i have teachers in the field for decades and everywhere i go,
they’re telling me i have more of dis regulated kids in my classroom and i don’t know what to do
du was the SONS of babies clear saint kitts have changed your change and i say i’m here we can look at that we can say that.
[18:15] I think when i think about it is that if that’s true that more kids are more deaths this regulated and i think it may be.
[18:24] Is that reno that lay play with peers play outside and stuff
not adult directed back child directed play we know that that builds social emotional intelligence.
Builds the capacity to tolerate negative emotions because.
Your boots and your playing with someone else you wanna do it this way but the friend is no i wanna do it this way but you’re having so much fun playing it’s so enjoyable.
Are you willing to sit in the discomfort of not getting your way and having to
shift things and direction you’d like so you really kind of gives kids it helps me get up what’s that matt doesn’t promotional breaks and emotional mussels repeatedly
an environment that safe and really fun and so it builds all of these amazing skills the other thing that play does it helps release stress so kids can if you watch children play
damn the oven re enact the things during their day things that have happened to them,
that’s the have it did not quite.
Have made sense of order something that’s bothering them so they process
there’s things just like we as adults i come home and tell my husband i got so frustrated about this i process at berkeley.
Kids process and plan to release stress for them so if you take away.
[19:43] Kids stress reliever.
[19:45] Can you take away what builds their social and emotional skills and you throw what type of stimulation at them three screens and you throw up earlier academics at them.
Can you sign them up for a million things and have them over schedule dinner not sleeping enough of course we’re gonna have more and more distraught related kids you know any kids
i always really believe that behavior is communication and so if you have a kid that’s falling apart a lot.
It’s difficult emotionally that’s richardson and flexible emotionally your kids communicating something is not working for me either i don’t have the skills to manage the demands of my life or the demands of my life
or sometimes it’s a combo the idea is that goes for.
Only pulling in the workplace in the playground stats communication of some way that
person together close and has not received the order my longer legs you share the case study hear you talk about the boy you worked with which is teddy,
record violence and the first responder mental damages from the springs this idea is great too much not to audience
can i start with balance on purpose because u cant be resilient insight for episode with sure that these four pillars of what really is a aspirin instead of taking
we are starting over those four pillars is to take those functions of the middle for child care tax and group them in details for pills and.
[21:14] We can’t get to resilience inside of the theater or any of the other functions of that prevent import tax if we are not emotionally balance for not in the state of regulations and so
when family’s come to see me and they say you know like my kid is having these behaviors and their soda falling apart more easily and all these things are happening.
[21:37] Get ice before we get to any of the other things we have to start and say
what’s really going on here let’s go back in instead of just pushing this kid for his behavior how about which is to me like treating symptoms without looking at the cause
do we have to really pull back the layers and find out what’s going on for this kid.
It’s making him not be successful in weathering challenges during his stay by his telling us this is not working for me
so when we do that we can start looking at you know how frequently is he needs no brain states and how long does it stay in the know brain state and releasing make sure that develop mentally outside of what we would expect before we start doing intervention
i’m what was freely is that we can help kids
become more balance but more emotionally regulated and for this kid had intercourse with change names and some details but umm
the first thing we need i feel like i need to do with teaching about his own brain.
[22:36] Entered and has this great word that i’m who made it cold insight
and mine site is releasing your own mind in the minds of others at starting a convo with inside empathy,
so what i found in working with really young kids even four and five year olds is that we can teach them about their brain and you can say no.
I do the model with them and this particular brand is really have really been feeling some of the lower parts of the brain and this part at the top of your brand that’s where you can you know
make all kinds choices and take pause before you do something in one your feelings get really big you can slip your let and so i thought the sky really also about um
religious his brand of how he would get into these real or if anything can go his way his parents were like now he would have his massive temper tantrums about nine years old
i’m sad and that was beyond what is peter’s doing so like on the soccer field if you know if.
Someone kicked the ball away from him or he kicked and it didn’t go where he wanted his major meltdown and so first i wanted to kinda help you understand that emotional reaction with in henry did that by teaching him about the red xiaomi can talk about that but we also taught him how
not just to understand these things anger responses.
[23:55] But also how to calm himself down and this is why most adults don’t know that that.
We have the power to use our minds to change our brains and our internal state so um what i mean by that is.
What’s we recognize gosh i’m feeling really like as a example feeling really anxious right now so once we have an awareness of feeling something that doesnt feel good.
[24:23] We just have to stay stuck there we don’t have to be a victim to our internal chaos or external circumstances we can say no to say i’m having a lot of anxiety and feeling at my body and feel hit all over um i’m get out
i’m gonna close my eyes for a minute and ima take some really depressed i want to relax my body
so that would be like once we can use.
Just say ok many use my mind to shift what’s happening in my whole nervous system in this moment so.
Which are about some
calling techniques like slowing his breathing and this is really cool this is just really simple science but if you’re inhaled shorter than your exhale exhale that you breathed in for a count of four and the new account of six.
[25:08] I’m doing that few times.
Actually blowers are novice and calms down our system so that’s just a really simple thing one thing after.
Is there a scientist it stanford him to andrew and i’m kind of obsessing with his work right now and he’s a scientist use of visual
also of them all the professor and houston have a bunch of science if you go outside in yourself and your focus and look at the whole peripheral you like taking
you know how much wider visual field that actually regulate center.
I’ve been teaching the teenagers and stuff and it’s been really powerful um.
Then the other things we needed to do with teddy is to help him when he gets released regulated and he gets frustrated really easy when things dont go his way is to help him practice.
frustration in a way that you can tolerate so what that meant was we didn’t just teach me about his reading and teaching degrees but just say were gonna practice,
having a yes frame or staying in the green zone we talked about with him.
[26:17] When things don’t go our way so we would do some role play n use and give him practice playing games where you win at things like that i help him.
Practice it’s like a muscle right and.
We can really celebrate that no one thing that really important that his helpful for adults as well but particularly children when we are play for state so we are silly we’re laughing and we’re really.
[26:47] And these play humor states it hardly expand our capacity that alright thank,
your humans do this sort of automatically sometimes that some things really stressful or painful will sort of glass you know even if i seem inappropriate but it’s worth trying to stay in that state so if you have a kid whose really anxious about something
are his really frustrated by something silly and fun you can make it.
It will actually let them how great that frustration know that anxiety um more if it’s fun and playful so that’s the way we can sort of you know
bring that and so we were planning what is playing games with this kid and having him practice with these role plays we are always also being really silly and playful so then finally
yeah was is really important for building balance is two remind parents that.
[27:44] We can be what is the start of a fancy word but có regulators so what that means instead of just like ok here s an example he is on an airplane a couple weeks ago and it was a really long flight.
[27:57] And there are some points and i’m really compassionate and helpful to parents i’m planning to have a really spicy chip that in this case i have to really try to standby is praying because this isn five six year-old little girl and she was really.
Roundup you know she was,
just screaming and yelling and then she was laughing really loudly and she’s just turned the frantic energy was just really in this chaotic state and the parents must of yelled for ten minutes repeatedly at her called down relax
show out like that was their whole strategy is to just keep telling her to call me.
I was reading is not crack exactly and the parents did not right cuz i really believe.
People do when they can answer it has parents just don’t know maybe they were exhausted you know whatever but i wanted to whisper in their ears like
she doesn’t know how help help her relax she can do it on her own or she already would have
she’s getting a lot of negative feedback from you and she would want that so this is where when our kids are in no brand states when they’re sad afraid
angry even at us and being disrespectful to us in that moment.
[29:07] When children are at their worst when adults are the worst that is actually when we most need connections,
so when our children are on balance enjoyment and they’re kind of falling apart.
That’s what we can come at a worse or to like a external hard drive or become the external pre frontal cortex right
so we start applying and our kids system and their preferences not working so i can access rn news.
And we’re gonna really no se i can see you’re having a really hard time right now
i’m right here with your safe i’ve got you and figure this out together but it’s really this idea of.
[29:43] Helping them move back in the balance through connection threw soothing through empathy and,
this again is not a permissible approach once the child is back into the us state that’s me address the behavior because the brand as a reactive state
where can not learn or receptive state where i can learn when where and state.
Not only are you not created regulated but we also are not.
Able to learn and so is the whole point and then i wrote this
you know it like that but no-drama discipline if the whole point purpose of discipline is th so that the child become self disciplined enough to build skill so they can do it for themselves even when no one’s looking that are
you know doing well in the world just depends really about teaching and most of the world thinks about death punishment.
The punishment almost never feel skills.
And so i kids don’t have a better strategy to use the next time so what the original meaning of the word test plan is to teach.
[30:49] So if you can hold that i didn’t mind that every display is actually an opportunity to teach and so if we want our child if we want to be affected disciplinary.
We might that mean teachers will to make sure that the person teaching is able to learn that moment.
So if i have a kid that’s really mad and.
Weather is it me or some something else and their disrespectful they say that i hate you’re so stupid.
No my instant just to say you can talk to me like that.
That’s so disrespectful which actually you can talk to me like that but the really dumb thing to say cuz i can’t lay just did i’m.
But you know any good chicago to lay down the law and not allow them to act like that.
What if i’m a really thoughtful disciplinary and i can stay
balance myself and stand there is spring state myself
then what i can say to the child is o i can see you’re so mad right now i will listen how can i help any i help them
move back into yes states connection empathy and soothing than once their back in that stage.
They’re ready to learn and that i can say hate the way you talk to me earlier that did not feel good and thats not really what we like to communicate in our family and so.
Tell me about you know what was going on for you and how can you do it differently next time it’s ok to be mad but it’s not ok to be disrespectful and i would want you to talk like that to anybody and so.
[32:18] Tell me address the behaviors but it’s only when they’re in that yes prince state that they can learn.
Yeah and i think this is a really important because people who are progressive and taking information etc often tried to
empire of those lessons back to their children i most of the time you say kids miss behave.
[32:37] Because they can’t control their emotions and bodies right now it’s not because they wont find
before we take some trying to arrive a lesson from experience we must first com and then getting back to equilibrium what a lovely way of putting it
yeah so the first first step is to make sure we’re institutes of equilibrium right because i cant teach effectively if i’m not in state right
we often get so driven by our own fear like if i let my kid get away with that is if i let them talk to me like this
you know we sorta start jumping these huge lips of an arm i like them there never gonna be successful and have opportunities and
never gonna be employed there can i live in a van by the river the rest of the monica know like we just come to the skin of his like of i let the kids sleep in bed room one night when i had a nightmare that never sleep on their own i promise you there will sleep on their outfits and white you know.
So i think it um listen to really be driving us when our kids their worst behaviors the stuff that we worry about the drugs this crazy.
What causes the most conflicts in our homes our kids are telling as you know behavior is communication and they’re basically telling us i don’t have the skills to deal with the swell.
[33:50] So um my good example from the school where i work there is a little first grade boy
i’m huge appropriate inappropriate language and during library time so he said the word but crack right he said butt crack in the library so that’s not appropriate language school um
when we thought about instead of just saying ok now you have to miss recess in our you get don’t get to come to the library tomorrow or whatever just throw out punishment him.
[34:15] When we do it down a call chase the y and we become curious for my own yes trains to say
what was that about what is the mind behind that behavior this techno if that’s not appropriate language why would you say something like that and you might just because a six year old boy who thinks particular is funny like most adults still to go
what happened is i became curious i started learning more about the solar guy and he was a little boy you have a lot of trouble entering play
what’s his peers and so when he doesn’t appropriate language.
His friends all really laughed and he was able to join and play with his peers and so it was a really it’s it was a.
What something is the problem that appears that the child’s best adaptation of the child’s best strategy right so this was his best strategy to hit come up with what i could really look at it he was basically saying
i need skill building in joining with my peers and appropriate ways so i just punch him and say you can’t come to library tomorrow.
I’m not helping him have any skills that you can use on the next interaction with his peers so instead of thinking about disciplina something we do to children like.
[35:27] Punishment we need to think about what can we do with them or for them to start building those skills.
N really you know it’s.
[35:36] It’s a lot of work to do it this way
beautiful artwork not to do it this way we get sometimes when i talk about the like but i just get so tiring to be so intentional in touch stay richest sumbitch you just delete that mean out and instead of having this card more reflective dialogue and thinking about the behavior and is that what i often say is that if you don’t do it that way.
Where can i have a lot more drama and we’re gonna have a lot more years of discipline because
if you’re being of active or changing behavior because we’re getting them skills and better strategies and helping them develop a much wider window of tolerance a having more often of yes.
[36:15] So we end up disappointing less overtime right effective and disappointing and the length that means.
[36:22] Ask development and fold you really shouldn’t have to be disappointing nearly as much as i think of its parts light delegation in a business or organization because
you need people to go through the experience and that kind of neural pathways to do it more often i use a promotion the presence enough for a conference in norman so high tension we do even more to expand the green zone.
When the memory systems such experiences teach kids things can be tossed but i can handle and bounce back the next time it difficult situation arises part of the memory that will be activated bot these experiences facing challenges in moving effectively service and i’m here you called
question and question i love this.
Add the big one in the world today because it has got easier as good a little bit so sure
the understanding of intellect a child struggling want to stay in,
this is a big one and so really what we were talking about when were talking about sort of not repeated experiences its not at all
that different from when we’re talking about building muscle see you going to the gym you wanna build some muscle
you gotta do reps with that way you got over and over and then the next day or the day after that you gotta go back and do more reps and that’s really what we’re helping our kids do is getting wraps.
Upsetting and something that’s harder difficult
and saying i wish you can do that and giving them enough support so that they can tolerate it.
[37:47] And be successful the idea of pushing and christian is we have to really start no arcade every kids diffrent.
And some kids need to be pushed a little bit more to step outside of their comfort zone to try something new to take a risk to um.
You know like some kids are really scared to go off to summer camp for a week or so you know and the parents know that this will be a really good experience for them so they’re kinda pushing the kids like i want to be away from home the parents may say i know it’s hard to steal from home but you can do this sentence
what you know when you got this mean you’ll be safe there and so you can i get a little bit of a push to expand them so they can drop on all the spend wired and take a step further
if you’re just doing the push in or gonna push too hard or too far so then the child gets overwhelmed and moves more into an estate and that’s where we also need a little
a little kitchen and,
i think about this like my first born is so introvert and he was very slow to warm up kid and so i learn for him.
[38:55] That you know if we want the first one to arrive to baseball practice know if there are a bunch of kids were the last ones to arrive.
It was really stressful and woke up into a bunch of people but if you were the first to arrive in other words many people get in to warm up so even just being there was kind of question but
question about was let’s get a little bit more time to get activated to people showing up at your perspective is really little and so that sort of a combination of.
[39:23] How can i provide enough challenge to my kids to help them grow but how do i provide them it’s enough support
should i take an do that successfully and not be overwhelmed and i think about this i am the founder and executive director of an interdisciplinary clinical practice tonight built this business from.
And you know i think about this with my team leaders in the people that are the next tier down of leaders i think about this i am who is that
you know sometimes they need pushing just say what you know you can you can really reach more people if you’d
you that’s enough and then other times i need more training and more question like that was you know that’s really hard for you how can i support you did you that’s okay it’s really sort of the balance of pushing and pushing and
it comes up all the time how do i know if i can push or how do i know if i should give a little bit more of a soft place to fall and it’s usually a good combination of both.
That’s always in flux i’d love to talk about the communication of the message or the last year trying to do right through discipline
you talk about minimize and criticizing shaving and distance in because.
[40:32] For example shine full ni you think maybe a building resilience by gonna come on let on her that both.
[40:39] Remember what you said about if you need to connect to mostly this was a huge lesson from it and i have to say sometimes i go to step
i don’t connect first because i’m gone in my mind informing my caveman brain am saying yes to survive there in the world
it is tigers in there so i just ignored it when he needs to own his own yeah it is a huge thing and i think i know i’m guilty of.
[41:05] Missing the connect step with my husband at all just jump straight to this sort of problem solving
no or defending myself or whatever so it’s not a
it’s so important that i want to say that the researchers really clear that if we push children to independence before their develop mentally ready.
That actually makes them less resilient and makes them more dependent
so we can’t spoil our children are messed them up in any way shape or form.
If we provide them with as much nurturing and connection and empathy as we want
right it’s really around where kids can kinda go sideways or what we call my call spoiled is where parents don’t have boundaries we just let them do whatever they want so
in terms of this warrants in this connection um
it won’t make them too soft to handle the lions of the world that will actually make their brains more resilient so disconnects so powerful and let me just talk about this a little bit more so let’s say your child.
[42:13] That’s fallen like you set an escape the name and they’re crying and that sometimes parents will say oh you’re ok.
[42:20] No that’s enough been enough and it’s not that big of a deal.
What if we think about it this way if the child’s internal landscape and what the child’s really feeling physically and emotionally is not ok.
I don’t feel okay i’m in pain right now this is upsetting to me then says you’re ok.
[42:40] What’s your internal experience is and they’re pretty parents response is not a match so they’re experiences that i will get me there don’t understand me.
[42:50] I am and what i did what i said that happens in the store all the time like i was in target the other day i saw this hit
i don’t know what the kids did he was like how in the moment like reading the ingredients on some mouthwash and i totally get it she’s trying to just get out there and hes probably been making noise all along right.
He just got,
oh and that it every day and it um and so but this kid just got louder and louder and more dramatic.
Add it soon as the mom said what happened what’s going on he’s like you know it,
hit my toe or something it was like wow that must hurt are you okay
it’s like i’m okay like it just stopped right and so what happened there was your chicken at once this kids experience and the moms response for a match the child could let it go
and so what happens over time and this leads to a lot of science on attachment um is that.
If you have an internal experience in your parent always your frequently is.
Just missing that denying it tell you its not that big of a deal quit crying why u being such a baby about that you know if you’re gonna be upset just go to your room and b upset when you’re when you’re all together trump in a come back out when we do these kinds of things as a parent.
[44:10] Then the child has a lot of actually internal isolation because they’re not seeing then they’re not understood by their parents and so what happens like.
My niece one time said antena are you mad that i wasn’t even aware i was about her i was mad.
[44:25] Somebody was on the phone with something i am.
I think my friend’s going to snow not mad at myself.
But if i say no i’m not mad and this four year old has lived in my face and heard my tone of voice and hes picked up is a little mad right now.
[44:42] Can i see her no i’m not mad she has two choices option one is i must not be very good at reading those queues i can’t trust myself.
[44:52] Or option to entertain as a liar and she doesn’t tell me the truth and so those are the two options when we minimize or dismiss or deny or a
how old are you if you know what our child’s experience and children with their parents.
We need to we have to be able to trust our caregivers or we need to buy laundry think i won’t be able to survive if i can trust them
so what happens typically is that children will say that i must not be able to trust myself so they start becoming disconnected from their internal world in their own emotions so this is a really important peace
can you tell about the four hour access this is a really
great take away maybe we can get from a safe since then secure yeah no this is it this applies to every relationship because.
[45:44] What this is about its about malmo um.
Mammal circle tray okay so this is how we are all hard wired as mammals and this is so fascinating and this is not gonna have a book coming out.
January twenty twenty called the power of showing up that goes deep into this concept but the single best protector for how well children turn out on everything that they are measured on
and this is based on decades and decades and decades of of science is that they’ve had secure attachment with at least one person.
[46:21] Add what we talk about secure attachment dan and i would really like to talk about that as the forest is where we feel safe.
[46:31] Suit and then over time when we have those experiences of being safe sense and suit
predictably not perfectly but most of the time that we develop the sport as of security and predictable it and what happens then is brain becomes wired to know.
[46:49] What if i haven’t need someone garcia and show up for me and you can see how that translates into the kind of friendship sweet pack of the pens of may so we um and.
What’s so powerful about this is it this is my driving sticks of your hands in the jungle and you get.
Or are you here a scary jaguars.
The first thing your gonna do with them animals is run straight to your attachment figures someone who will help you survive
okay so what this means is that the us attachment drive is really fundamentally based on that when we are in states of distress.
[47:30] Bathroom needs connection and protection and so what happened to for a lot of kids is that when there are.
And eating in distress sometimes it looks like bad behavior and no one.
No one helps them calm down or be understood the instead get punished um and.
I have a big fan of natural consequences like you know if my kid didn’t do his project very well it came with a d i was like i was disappointed to not get the grade that you won’t like i can still be empathetic without red
yeah rescuing him or you know whatever it’s not about protecting our kids from not feeling bad thing it’s about walking with him through it so that they feel helpless and so you know this is so cool like it
this is not a lot of from.
[48:19] You know about about fifty percent of us parents are anti thinking about fifty percent or process banking
but in the us about ninety four percent of children are spent at least once by the time they’re wine so almost universal childhood experience the weather parents believe it or not umm,
and i think this is a really yeah there’s lots of arguments against corporal punishment or or spanking.
But i think this attachment one for me is the most compelling because one of the things that we know about attachment is that there are these different patterns of attachment so secure attachment is the best protector for her kids turn out.
What we know about that is actually developed a preferential court
switch the balance again aspirin this relationship but there are a way to secure style of attachment you have a really disconnected emotional dessert type parents.
Where your needs are not seen in sudan connected to or you have a really chaotic parent that’s super unpredictable and then from the most difficult part of attachments called disorganized attachment.
Disorganized attachment is really the one that’s most difficult to talk about because it’s tied that let’s say you are in physical pain or you are no terrified
can you run your best biological drive in your attachment figure go to your parents to keep you say what happens when you’re a parent is the source of your pain or the source of your terror.
[49:47] That creates
a completely different computing biological drive that says get the hell away from what’s dangerous right so you got this computing stuff but
the way we think about the sport bonuses this so powerful i think it is so hopeful.
Is that you know the best predicted for whether or not we as parents can provide secure attachment to our children provided.
Predictable but not perfect experiences to help children feel safe scene and sudan secure is not whether or not we had parents who did that to us thank goodness it’s about forty percent of the population.
[50:26] We have come to make sense of those experiences so what that means is the best predicted for parents you can provide secure attachment.
Have what we call a coherent narrative they reflected back on those relations experience is and have said.
[50:42] That was really hard for me people didn’t show up for me i was really on my own or i have parents or scary and unpredictable and that was hard for me and here’s how it made sense of it in paris hi i want to do things differently when we can get.
Reflection and creating a coherent narrative the research shows that.
[51:00] We can get what’s called security ourselves and then we can parent our children in those ways to them develop their brains in the most optimal way and this is so great because what this means is that in a moment as a parent.
What i don’t know what to do from the i don’t know how i should respond to a particular behavior particular issue when they become teenagers like my eyes are now.
You know the stakes are higher you know that they do things that can lead to more dangerous kind of outcome.
And the moment and i like what you got it what do i do about this how do i handle this how do i respond.
As a parent because state keep me and yes spring state they help build your brand in my child and i can say how can i respond in a way.
[51:48] How smart health first scene and susan secure.
When u talk about skipping the step and can going straight to the problem solving addressing the behaviors kinds of things that reconnect step is good
that would be connect first and bring this idea of these for so it changes everything i had a client that i was working with my dad who had a really challenging five year old.
The kid was a very handsome century challenges and so has a really sensitive kid who would over react really easily and i’m so they couldn’t companies battles that yell and scream and even sometimes a kick his dad and the dad with
yeah the states are contagious so that goes into that state to do this no brainer state with him and starts yelling and so the internet just
most of them being in the snow bran state’s day after day.
Coach the status and i told my set the next time your sign is and that really reactive stay i want you to stop yelling because you actually activate his fight for his country with you.
Your child’s eye level.
[53:15] He was in onboard with the sephora was like you to send the submissive like you did when i said never know it’s not that i think about it as a
as an intentional posture to down regular his nervous system i just start using bench science words to feel better a hug
but i said when you’re when you’re sitting in that state your children raging he’s being disrespectful he is yelling he’s throwing things whatever that is.
I want you to only say two things i want you to say to him.
Something about that it very i can see that you’re so mad right now.
[53:48] And number two i want you to say i’m right here with you.
[53:53] And i didn’t think i would ever see those parents again that that didn’t received this very well but a couple weeks later they came back and the jobs that i have to admit
when you will be laughed off so i just thought it was such a waste of time and money and i just thought it was bs that he said banana muffin of desperation my child is raging and i didn’t have the energy to battle with
so i just sort of stand on the floor and i can say exactly like to dislike i can tell your madre i said here when is progress is still happening.
Reset my child calm down faster than i’ve ever seen him and i stayed call right so weird remember these rains all networks so when we have what we start yelling at someone we activate our fights or country
three hundred four one and two yeah really frustrated nbc to relax and we say something.
[54:39] Connect to it i can tell your mad but i’ll be here with you
what we’re doing is graduating a totally different roles can train our own brains are actively hurting yes.
[54:56] That’s scene end the USA right here with you or you’re safe i’m with you you send these kinds of things to our children it,
very quickly help them move back into a stage.
Regulation and it’s really back to pose for us helping them feel safe and soo
the thunder so much more this book the one i can i get her but i find a really encouraging and the key take away from the book and if you do nothing else to provide the experience of feeling safe suits
seen insecure most of the time we’re doing the most powerful thing that we can do to build an integrated brazilian brian and i think that is really important message to get across because some information on there
peoplethree all stressed in sales alone having to think about the brain architects of their children.
That’s right yes that’s what you don’t have to even think about that you just show up for that when they need you but was particularly which often looks like the worst behaviors good and i think that’s a coupon to walk away with too is that when they’re at their worst,
that’s what i needed most i think that’s true we have co workers or employees that use to be really negative and really difficult to be with that’s probably when they most need support and connections and so this is just such an important
compassionate way to be in the world.
[56:14] That when we see people being viral end up doing and saying things that feel like evil.
[56:21] Even then we can say.
[56:24] You know something different happened to them and not the we have to heal the world of taking care of everybody but i think the people in our immediate circles that are struggling they probably need connection to you and we can approach compassionate
i love that is what the idea that behavior is communication the working people find that.
More about your work your new book you mention that sakura
yeah so my website is tina bryson dot com and that’s.
Diy sos and you can find all the information about the books weve got the new book that i mentioned coming out of january seventh two thousand twenty called the power of showing up in that’s available for pre-order and were so happy to say.
That all of our products particularly the whole-brain child no-drama discipline and now the aspirin are translated in.
Many many languages whole-brain child is at two forty five or fifty you languages by now all over the world what a legacy.
Author of the expression child help your child be more resilient independence and creative dr tina payne bryson thank you for joining us.